That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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