you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
