My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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