need another drink. this is the easiest way
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
