My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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