Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
