he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
