My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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