You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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