Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
