I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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