If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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