she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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