Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
