Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
