On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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