I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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