Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
