that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
