I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
