you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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