I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He better not be in your backpack
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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