I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How does one acquire holy water?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
