I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
