Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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