You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
