If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
