I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
