Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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