The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
