When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
