gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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