You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
sex in a hospital.. check
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
