My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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