You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
