Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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