I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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