I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
