i jhust puked up my retainher.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
