She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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