I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
