I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
