My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
