You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Randomize
