"it" just moved
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
