I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
