Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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