Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
