Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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