I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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